What A Moody Day

I'm actually in the throes of inspiration right now, which is hilarious because this morning I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. Which in turn is somewhat hilarious because I'm not a depressive personality. I am normally an upbeat, positive, optimistic, glass-is-half-full kind of gal.

So I guess I will spell out the condensed version of what is going on:

I'm an artist at heart. A writer/photographer. I was enjoying the stay-at-home-mom thing and focusing on the photography business I started with my husband, while he worked full time. The crumbling economy gave way under our feet and he lost his job 12/31/08.

After the third month of unemployment we began to realize how much we took for granted, and how little we were actually prepared for this kind of crisis. I had worked before as an administrative assistant, so we decided I would try to go back to work until something came through for the hubby.

I got a job almost immediately (and miraculously, actually) but that is a story for another time. I have been contracting to a financial institution, and doing so well they want me to be a permanent employee. This is a fabulous opportunity and I really like working there, but let's face it, a full-time day job, four kids, all the activities that come along with family, and all the responsibilities of a wife, mother, and bread-winner..... it's killing my artist.

We are in my husbands 13th month of unemployment, and every month I hope we can make it on my paycheck and his unemployment. Well then, you say, the writing and photography would be a great way to supplement the income, yes? Sure, if the photography business was established enough to be making a profit, and I wasn't so blocked that I can't even write my ideas down, let alone write anything worth selling.

Hence, the laying in bed in the fetal position until three in the afternoon. No worries for the family, my youngest is eight, nobody's immediate needs were being neglected, my husband was up to take care of things today. At one point we were all laying around together watching the episode of Extreme Home Makeover we DVR'd on Sunday. I wasn't being totally anti-social, I'm just exhausted, and worried, and giving myself a break. I'm allowing myself to throw a pity-party every once in a while.

I just can't always say, "Everything is going to be okay." Don't get me wrong, it IS going to be okay. Life WILL go on, and we ARE going to make it. I am just allowing myself to occasionally feel like crap because it's so challenging. Every so often, I have permission to stop being strong, have a breakdown, and feel sorry for myself.

And the reason it's okay? I never feel hopeless. It might be rough, it may feel unending at times, it can be frustrating, and embarrassing, and I can feel helpless.... but there's always HOPE.

Hope is the thing that keeps people going, turns ordinary citizens into extraordinary heroes, and can be the thread we cling to as we dangle over the abyss of despair. As long as I am clinging to that thread, I have a little leeway to bend. Without it, I would end up broken.

Now, believe it or not, that WAS the condensed version!

On to my inspiration. I have been following Merc Rants blog She is doing a serial fiction piece that I love and, since I'm neglecting all of my duties as a homemaker, I decide to look at the other pieces on the site she's posting to, The Silver Blade. I read a piece called She Fills The Sea, in the Science Fiction section, and I am just enthralled. I love the story, I care about the MC, and at the end of the piece, I want there to be more. (Just like Hero's Choice - can't wait to see what happens next!)

I'm telling you, it got my creative juices kicked up a notch.

I feel less hateful, I feel more encouraged, I got an idea and I want to write it down. It's progress.

Maybe not the greatest start to a weekend, but it's already starting to turn around. As I'm dangling from my thread, I can kick at the fingers snaking up from the abyss, and maybe, just maybe, swing to safety.